I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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