dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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