Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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