dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
