got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
