When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
