I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
