dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
