is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
