My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
