don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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