Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
