I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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