Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
