the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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