Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
