HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
