Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize