Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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