peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
