Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
