What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
