did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
