today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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