She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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