In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
