If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
