She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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