We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
