how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
