He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
