I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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