and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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