You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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