yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
