I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
