Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
