I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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