I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
