On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
