piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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