I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
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I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
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I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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