no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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