You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
