There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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