He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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