watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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