last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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