Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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