if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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