Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
