I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
