I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
