I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
