Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
