Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
