I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
