you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
