ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
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I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
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And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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