My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
