Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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