can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
sarcasm needs its own font
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
