while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
