my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
