Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
