I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
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splinters make it hard to masturbate
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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